FNG Famous Quotes



Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
---Abraham Lincoln

I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don't treat me right, shame on you.
Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong

There are 2 times when a man does not understand a woman...
before marriage and after marriage.
Fred & Gerry

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Fred & Gerry

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."
- Muhammad Ali

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and
- H.G. Wells

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
-Groucho Marx

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
- George Gobel

The closest we ever got to a 4.0 in school was our blood alcohol content.

Fred & Gerry

We don't do drugs anymore cause we find we get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

Fred & Gerry


"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to."
- Bill Vaughn

"Testosterone is a great equalizer.  It turns all men into morons." - Anonymous

"With girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said 'Are you Louise?' She said, 'Are you Rodney?' I said, 'Yeah.' She said, 'I'm not Louise.'"
---Rodney Dangerfield

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."
---Benjamin Franklin

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
---Milton Berle

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I figure that's why my boyfriend moved."
-Christy Murphy

"It wasn't easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." 
--Homer Simpson, THE SIMPSONS

"For years, my husband and I advocated separate vacations, but the kids kept finding us."

- Erma Bombeck

"Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard."
---Johnny Carson

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to own one.
---W.C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

Marriage Quotes

"Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give."
-- Cass Daley

"I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous.  Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me."
-- Dick Martin

"If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children...' they leave skid marks."
-- Rita Rudner

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
-- Groucho Marx

"The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
-- S. T. Coleridge

"You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker."
---Zach Galifianakis

"There are two kinds of thinkers in the world. Those who think they can and those who think they can't...and they're both usually right." -Unknown

"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't."
---Abe Lincoln

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
--Isaac Asimov

"If all you have is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail." -

The oldest, shortest words -- "yes' and "no" -- are those which require the most thought.

"As the French say, there are three sexes:  Men, women and clergymen."
---Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
---Woody Allen


I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
---Steve Martin

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
---Woody Allen

"According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men.  They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue.  So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend, Leave him alone, he's working out." 
--Jay Leno

 Don't be afraid to ask dumb questions. They're more easily handled than dumb mistakes.

The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.
--Milton Friedman

You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him to find it within himself.

We can never reach our destination if we walk only in the sunshine.
--from the movie "Heaven and Earth"

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.
--The Dalai Lama

"I like long walks -- especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." -Fred Allen

"As the horse-power of modern automobiles steadily increases, the congestion of traffic steadily lowers the average speed of your car. This is known as Progress." -Sydney Harris

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.
--Robert Louis Stevenson

"To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer." -Philip Howard

--William Wister Hanes, in "High Tension" (Little, Brown) 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!

"You know what's the worst thing about being the best man at
a wedding? You never get a chance to prove it!" -Unknown

Opinion is ultimately determined by the feeling, and not by the intellect.
--Hebert Spencer

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.

Seen on the headstone of an atheist, "Here lies an atheist,
all dressed up and no place to go."

"Just think, Monica Lewinsky turns 28 years old this year! It
seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around on the
floor of the Oval Office."

He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which
he himself must pass.
-- George Herbert

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-W.C. Fields  

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin

Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you.
--Madeline S. Bridges

Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once.
Author: Julius Caesar or Shakespeare would be taken as correct

Morals are private. Decency is public.
--Rita Mae Brown, Activist

The greatest thing a man can do in this world is to make the
most possible out of the stuff that has been given him. This
is success, and there is no other.
--Orison Swett Marden, founder of Success Magazine

Live as though it were your last day on earth. Some day you
will be right.
--Robert Anthony, American psychologist

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only
true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
appreciate it." --Franklin P. Jones

"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
-- Andy Rooney

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the
William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
--Dan Rather

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole
one and asked Him to forgive me."
---Emo Philips

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just
watch what they do.
--Andrew Carnegie

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.

My kids never understood my logic. Both of them failed to see
why they had to go to bed when I was tired.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I
gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take
more than one night.' " -
-Charlie Brown

Nature arms each man with some faculty which enables him
to do easily some feat impossible to any other.

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

The winners in life think constantly in terms of I can, I
will, and I am. Losers, on the other hand, concentrate their
waking thoughts on what they should have or would have done,
or what they can't do.
--Dennis Waitley

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get
back to you."
---Mary Bly

"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My
husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to her again today?
You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly
have to tell her?' 'Well, for one thing, I have to tell her
you just said that.'"
Rita Rudner

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive, anyway

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat
cause kids.

"Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much."
--Oscar Wilde

"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction after
all, has to make sense."-Mark

Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute,
day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring
--Stephen Vincent Benét

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe,
deserve your love and affection.

He that will not reason is a bigot, He that cannot reason is
a fool, He that dares not reason is a slave.
--William Drummond

"Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much."
--Oscar Wilde

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
folly, is to fill the world with fools.
--Herbert Spencer

"I know some good marriages - marriages where both people are
just trying to get through their days by helping each other,
being good to each other."
---Erica Jong

When a man says he approves of something in principle, it
means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out
in practice.
--Otto von Bismarck

Air Canada????

"According to a new report, this year airline passengers have
been subject to longer delays and ruder service than ever
before.  When asked about it, a spokesperson for the airlines
said, 'Shut up and get back in line!'"
-- Conan O'Brien

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears
comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."

Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one
place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is
the trip.
--Robert J. Hastings, "The Station"

Be very, very careful what you put into that head,
because you will never, ever get it out.
--Thomas Cardinal Wolsey (1471-1530)

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are
loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of
--Victor Hugo

"I could tell my parents were smoking pot when I was a kid.
They'd go into their bedroom at eight, and we'd have smoke
billowing from the ventilation system. The pot would go into
the habit-trail where my hamster was running on its wheel.
It would get a contact high, get off the wheel and lie down,
and then it would eat everything in its cage."
---Scott Silverman

To talk much and arrive nowhere is the same as climbing a
tree to catch a fish.
--Ancient Chinese Proverb

I always turn to the sports pages first, which records
people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but
man's failures.
--Chief Justice Earl Warren

There is real magic in enthusiasm. It spells the difference
between mediocrity and accomplishment.
--Norman Vincent Peale

"Critics say that Andy Warhol's famous portraits of Camp-
bell's soup cans were a brilliant satire of culture, in much
the same way that Campbell's soup is a brilliant satire of
food." - Craig Kilborn

Putting it in plain terms, the general public must be
reduced to its traditional apathy and obedience, and driven
from the arena of political debate and action, if democracy
is to survive.
--Noam Chomsky, from "Necessary Illusions"

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at
the stars.

Author:   Oscar Wilde

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
--B.C. Forbes

"The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal
government but doesn't have to take the civil service exam-
-Ronald Reagan

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag.
That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say
you have some money left in your bank account after paying
taxes. That's a red flag."
- Jay Leno

"To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you
file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though
income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the
IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can
destroy your life."
- Dave Barry

"An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

- Agatha Christie

"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has
gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual
interval of civilization."
---George Clemenceau, 1841-1921

"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light
bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed! -
Thomas Edison's Mother

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is
to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
---Harry Truman

The length of a minute is depends on what side of the bath-
room door you're on.

One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that
we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.
--Michael Cibenko

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her
birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter
joined me."
---Rodney Dangerfield

You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
--John Morley

There is no such thing as a 'self-made' man. We are made up
of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind
deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us,
has entered into the make-up of our character and of our
thoughts, as well as our success.
--George Matthew Adams

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much
as you do.
---Dylan Thomas

The hearts of the great can be changed.

No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.
--Turkish proverb

There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving and that is your own self.
--Aldous Huxley

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;
an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
--Sir Winston Churchill

I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people
into believing I had.
--Margaret Mead

we've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

we've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

we've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're

we've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship
is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take its place.

we've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in
your house, one of your kids did it.

we've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken
from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away

Remember...when all is said and done, more is said than done.

Stressed spelled backwards is 'DESSERTS'

"You want to know the best way to stop a runaway horse? Bet
on it." - Unknown

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual,
then it became optional... I'm getting out before it becomes
mandatory." -Unknown

The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there
is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a
shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
--Dennis Miller

The only way in which one human being can properly attempt
to influence another is by encouraging him to think for
himself, instead of endeavoring to instill ready made
opinions into his head.
--Sir Leslie Stephen, British biographer (1832-1904)

There is just enough room in the world for all the people in
it, but there is no room for the fences which separate them.
Father Taylor

Many risks fail because they were not taken in time. Too many risks are postponed until unnecessarily elaborate preparations are made...Don't sit back waiting for the perfect moment. It almost never comes.
David Viscott

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is
not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

People who soar are those who refuse to sit back, sigh and wish things would change.  They neither complain of their lot nor passively dream of some distant ship coming in. Rather, they visualize in their minds that they are not quitters; they will not allow life's circumstances to push them down and hold them under.
Charles R. Swindoll

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.
Carl Sandburg

I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it.
Henry Emerson Fosdick

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

There is a fine line between a "hobby" and "mental illness".

If the world didn't suck,  we would fall off.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing.
Max Kauffmann

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."

Vince Lombardi

"Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them."
Shawn Alexander

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
An unidentified sign

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.
Don Herold

"Time is infinitely more precious than money, and there is nothing common
between them.  You can't accumulate time; you cannot borrow time; you can
never tell how much time you have left in the Bank of Life.  Time is life.
--  Israel Davidson

"The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they
just make the best of everything."
--  Anonymous

"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!" - Rodney Dangerfield

"My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary."
- Steven Wright

"When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my old man, 'I'm sick and tired of running around in circles.' He got mad and nailed down my other foot."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
- Wendy Liebman

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy."
- Erica Jong

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'm not dumb...and I also know I'm not blonde."
- Dolly Parton

"I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking
their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food."
- Robert Orben

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher regard those who think alike than those who think differently.
--Friedrich Nietzche

"Whoever said, 'No man is an island,' has obviously never seen my stomach in the bath tub."

- Bruce Streibel

Hollywood is the only place you can wake up in the morning and hear the birds coughing in the trees.
---Joe Frisco

Asshole, n. The most commonly employed word in English. Frequently used by both sides in an argument, more often than not, accurately.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance."
- William Shakespeare

Dreams do not vanish, so long as people do not abandon them.
--Phantom F. Harlock

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
- Chinese Proverb.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

The means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we live. Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
--- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
---Mark Twain

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of  by the police.

"I went to an authentic Mexican restaurant. The waiter poured the water and then warned me not to drink it."
- Brad Garrett

"Tonight's forecast: dark. Continuing dark throughout the night and turning to widely scattered light in the morning."
- George Carlin

"Life can be grim when you pass 80, especially if there's a police car behind you."
- Sam Ewing

Many ideas grow better when transplanted into another mind than in the one they where they sprang up.
--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

They can't censor the gleam in my eye.
-- Charles Laughton, Actor

My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
---Rodney Dangerfield

One of our favorites:

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.

We love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

"Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Pass gas at your in-laws dinner table - man, NOW your talking comedy."
Daniel Bokor

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal.
Steven Wright

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Margaret Thatcher

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

"The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal
government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
Ronald Reagan

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me."
John Cleese on businessmen

For a man to achieve all that is demanded of him he must regard himself as greater than he is.

Why wait?  Life is not a dress rehearsal. Quit practicing what you're going to do, and just do it.; In one bold stroke you can transform today.
Marilyn Grey

If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
George Bernard Shaw

I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon
the milkman has made love to every woman in our road except

And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."
Max Kauffmann

You are forgiven for your happiness and your successes only if you generously consent to share them.
Albert Camus

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.
Julie Cameron, from Seneca, The Artist's Way

The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials.
Lin Yutang

Duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself.
Oscar Wilde

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said 'I don't know.'
Mark Twain

You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being, not because anybody says so, not because you're successful, not because you make a lot of money, but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason.
--Wayne Dyer

The greatest and noblest pleasure which we have in this world is to discover new truths, and the next is to shake off old prejudices.
--Frederick II, the Great

In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
"Come the millennium, month 12, in the home of greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader."

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest, that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.
--Jan Glidewell

I have found that when confronted with a difficult choice, the hardest thing to do is usually the right thing to do.
--Richard Edwin Reynolds,

You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being, not because anybody says so, not because you're successful, not because you make a lot of money, but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason.
--Wayne Dyer

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
--Louisa May Alcott

Bonus Quote
The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large.
-- Confucius

Truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.
-- Flannery O'Connor

"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
-Groucho Marx

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
--e.e. cummings

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick,at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.
-- Buddha

Tolerance is only another name for indifference.
---W. Somerset Maugham

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
- Rodney Dangerfield.

"When you see the writing on the wall.... you can bet you're in a public restroom."

"I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I never have any clean clothes. Because, come on, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives?"
- Unknown

"The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it."
-Harold Rome

"You know you're going out with someone too young for you when they say, 'Did you know Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings?'"

"The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to step back and see where his wife is wrong."
-Archie Bunker, ALL IN THE FAMILY

My wife and I are inseparable.  In fact, last week it took four RCMP officers and a police dog to keep us apart.
author unknown

ALLIANCE,   In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted into each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
---Jack Handey

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.
Author:   Helen Keller or Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Start off every day with a smile and get it over with."
- Unknown

Everything is funny as long as it's happening to someone else.
---Will Rogers

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good
judgments in the future."
- Vice President Al Gore

"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton
in nature."
-George W. Bush, Los Angeles, Feb. 2000

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply
with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering
accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude."
- Alexander Hague, American Politician

"Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech."
- Groucho Marx

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave
badly around women.  And I hope I never get into that
Rhodes Scholar Bill Clinton

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
Presidential candidate Bob Dole

"I just got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free.' Now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive."
- Gloria Steinem

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get  for it, but what they become by it.
--John Ruskin

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have the $50 you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!
---Jack Handey

"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are
busy driving cabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns

"I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate." 
-Phyllis Diller

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
-Fred Allen

Tell your friend a lie. If he keeps it secret, then tell him the truth.
---Portuguese Proverb

"There are only two truly infinite things, the universe and stupidity. And I am unsure about the universe."
- Albert Einstein

"The purpose of a liberal education is to make you philosophical enough to accept the fact that you will never make much money."

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of
changing himself.
--Leo Tolstoy, Russian Novelist

he important thing is this: To be able at any m
oment to
sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
-Charles du Bois

It doesn't matter how much you want. What really matters is how much you want it. The extent and complexity of the problem does not matter was much as does the willingness to solve it.
-Ralph Marston

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things
that matter.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

He's turned his life round. He used to be depressed and
miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
---David Frost

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
--- Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
--- Mae West

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
--- Roseanne

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--- Jeff Foxworthy

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says,  'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

 ---Dave Barry

"Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company." -Scott Adams

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
-Douglas Adams

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
-Emo Philips

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
-Robert Orben

Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it.
-Albert Einstein

The true value of a human being is determined primarily by how he has attained liberation from the self.
-Albert Einstein

Happiness does not depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

Curiosity is a delicate little plant which, aside from stimulation, stands mainly in need of freedom.
-Albert Einstein

If it's natural to kill why do men have to go into training to learn how?
-Joan Baez

"I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes."
-Steven Wright

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip.
There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the
bib and said, "Look. It's always gonna be me."

-Rita Rudner

"But there are advantages to being elected President. The day
after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified
Top Secret."

-Ronald Reagan

 We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark.
The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of
the light.

"Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended."
 Zsa Zsa Gabor

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
Mark Twain

There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon
as I learn what it is, I'll get married again.
Clint Eastwood

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein

Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has
many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men
have some.
Charles Dickens 
(1812-1870) English writer

"There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull:
How do you hang on to someone who won’t stay?
And how do you get rid of someone who won’t go?"
Danny DeVito, The War of the Roses

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction."
General Douglas MacArthur

You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you're going to live now.
Joan Baez (b. 1941) American singer

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers.
You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.
Mahfouz Naguib (author)


"Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside the dog,
it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of."
Ogden Nash

"Properly trained, a man can be a dog's best friend."
Corey Ford

"Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human 
ever has to choose a relative."
Mordecai Siegal

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Mark Twain

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. 
Then if you can just get the dog to go somewhere and read 
the book, you might just have a little fun."
Groucho Marx

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit 
family in another city.
George Burns

"A smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, 
sharing person inside."
Author Unknown

"There are no secrets to success: Don’t waste time looking for them. 
Success is the result of perfection, hard work, learning from failure, loyalty 
to those for who you work, and persistence."
General Colin Powell

"It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, 
drunk, or running for office."
Shirley MacLaine

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. 
Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
Richard Nixon

"If you are experiencing resistance, you must exert some persistence
in order to improve your existence."
Malcolm X. Trotter

"The grass is always greener on the other side, until you jump the
fence and see the weeds up close."
Albert Grashuis

This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has  full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future.
Adolph Hitler, 1935

"Life is like a mine field, you must walk through it one step at a time, but with imagination. Once you shut down your imagination and step
in the wrong direction, things blow up."
Ty Howard

We do not inherit this land from our ancestors; 
we borrow it from our children.
Haida saying

"Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction."
John F. Kennedy

"Do not follow where the path my lead.
Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
George Bernard Shaw

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking
together in the same direction."
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Luck: when preparation and opportunity meet."
Pierre Trudeau

"Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have."
Harry Emerson Fosdick

Honor is the one thing no one can take from you;
it can only be given away.
Adam Scalettar

"The minute you start talking about what you are going to 
do if you lose, you have lost."
George Schultz

"Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time.
It’s just not worth it. "Do not pray for an easy life, pray for 
the strength to endure a difficult one.
Bruce Lee

"Everyday the world turns over on someone who's just
been sitting on top of it."Love is being able to walk arm in 
arm... even when you don’t see eye to eye."The nice thing about egotists is  that they don’t talk about other people."
Lucille S. Harper

In difficult situations when hope seems feeble, the boldest plans are the safest We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over our bed.
She says she likes to watch herself laugh.-Rodney Dangerfield
"They call it baby-sitting but all you do is run after them."

"Things turn out best for those that make the best of the
way things turn out."
Art Linkletter

"Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the
person you can't live without."
Author Unknown

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein

Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has
many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men
have some.
Charles Dickens 
(1812-1870) English writer

Many a doctrine is like a window pane. We see truth through
it but it divides us from truth.
Khalil Gibran, Arab poet

A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want 
of a little courage.
Author: Goethe, (1749-1832) German poet

All men are mortal.
Socrates was mortal.
Therefore, all men are Socrates.
Woody Allen

The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are
free to do than in what we are free not to do.
Eric Hoffer (1902-1983) writer, philosopher, longshoreman